I recently did an instagram story with a snap of the beach and a little ‘inspirational’ note to create a work week you love; not one you think you ‘should’ have.
And after I’d posted it I thought:
‘That’s not really fair. Because most people don’t know how to do that, even if they want to. And so then they feel worse for not doing it. Even though, how could they possibly know how to do that when it comes from decades of behaviour that was learnt when they were young’.
And that inspired this blog, about what you need to know about creating your dream life.
Because I don’t want you to feel bad for not having what you want. I want to share with you why it’s not happening, even if you desire that immensely.
So here’s the thing: It isn’t actually possible to create an amazing business that supports your lifestyle and where you only work with dream clients and still have quality time for yourself and those you love, and still make money (phew!) if you find yourself people pleasing.
Now, hand up over here! This was me, so I get it.
I am actually coming from a place of compassion, understanding and also letting you know that it does not have to stay this way. I know this to be true because I worked through my own people pleasing tendencies (with some perfectionism and overthinking and anxiety and so on, thrown in!)
And I have definitely come out the other side of that and now consciously live a life I damn well love. Is it perfect? Of course not! But it is perfectly imperfect. Because I’m ‘human first, coach second’.
It’s one thing to know conceptually that it’s possible to reduce your work hours and spend more time going for walks and doing a little meditation in the mornings (or whatever might float your morning-routine- boat).
It’s quite another to do this consistently and not fall prey to the thoughts, fears and resistances that come up when you consider actually doing it.
Because your mind will throw the book at you:
- Why are you being so lazy?
- You need to just keep working hard for a bit longer, and then you’ll be able to take your foot off the pedal
- You don’t have time for that (you have responsibilities)
- What would people think?
- This is all part and parcel of running a business
- You’d never be able to enjoy it – you’d be too busy feeling guilty
And so although you logically know that it ‘should’ be easy and possible to change? Chances are you won’t actually do it. Because it all runs much deeper than just the superficial veneer of what you’re doing.
It’s tied up with your identity; your beliefs; the stories you tell yourself and believe to be true; your conditioning and so much more..
And so, if other people are more important to you than you are to yourself; your life satisfaction will always be an afterthought (if a consideration at all).
And most likely, it will only get re-considered when you find yourself headed straight for burnout. Argh – again!!
If, at this point, you’re thinking: ‘no, other people aren’t more important than I am’, you are perfectly correct! They are not. But when you take a moment to consider your behaviour, this is what you are showing (to yourself and others) that you believe.
- Do you consistently make time for health and wellbeing (whatever that means for you) in your daily routine? Yes or no
- Do you consistently take on clients or jobs that don’t light you up, because you know you can help them, even thought they’re not your faves? (yes or no)
- Do you regularly ditch family time / relaxation time / sleep / fun / [insert thing here] for work? (yes or no)
Annoying isn’t it 😉 The behaviour shows us what is going on in the subconscious mind, despite what our words / goals / plans would have us believe.
Now, you are definitely not alone if you’re resonating with this. This is who I coach ALL the time – busy women who run a business (and sometimes professional women) who want to bypass burnout and find freedom, flexibility and have fun! Who want to have choices and believe in themselves and develop a strong inner game, where there’s a sense of calm, self trust and deep self-belief (most of the time – because #humanbeing).
And that comes from learning how to shed the things that aren’t working, in a supportive and safe way, so that you can show up in the world as all of you.
- The business owner who can work the amount she wants (days; hours, time away for holidays etc)
- The person who can switch off from work and be fully present in the moment, both for herself and her family
- The woman who is able to take time for herself, to nourish, recharge, reset and be in the moment
- The gorgeous gal who knows deeply, at a soul level, that she is enough; she is deserving; she is worthy; and she is also a human being – able to make mistakes, and get things wrong and ask for help and STILL know that she is amazing
Solving this problem does not come from learning more; doing more problem solving; working harder or trying more.
It comes from resolving the actual issue – who she feels she needs to be; letting that go; and connecting with her true self.
Step1: Determine if there is a pattern to your behaviour. Have your experienced burnout before? Do you tend to get close to burnout before you dash to take some action. Is there repetition here?
Step 2: Decide if you want to do something about it. Most people won’t (unless they’re forced to), and that’s totally fine. And often it’s because they haven’t twigged that there actually is a pattern.
If you’re someone who is truly committed to doing this to avoid the same thing happening over and over again (forever!), then work out why you want to.
Is it for any of these reasons?
- Your health (stress levels; sleep; physical health; energy)
- Your wellbeing (state of mind; outlook; resilience)
- Quality family time (without the distractions and constant ‘working’)
- Satisfaction with your business (the freedom, flexibility and fulfilment that you started it for)
- A lifestyle you dream of (working the way you truly want to work; without adhering to what society / marketing / cookie cutter approaches teach you; what do YOU want most?
- Business satisfaction and operations (feeling confident to put your prices up; reducing your work hours; increasing your profit; outsourcing; etc)
And then get some help with that, because (I’m just going to say it – you’ll need it). If you were going to change this, you would already have done so. I couldn’t do it without my past coaches, and I still work with a coach who helps me to work out what’s really going on; to work through resistances; to uncover the subconscious thoughts and beliefs at play that I have no idea of, and to challenge these in a way that serves my best interests. Find someone like that, who wants to see you achieve what it is that you desire, and has the skills and expertise to do exactly that.
Always here if I can help.
Kylie xTags: Inner child people pleaser people pleasing small business coach transformational coaching