Do you hate asking for help? Oh yeah – I hear you!
If you’re anything like I used to be, it’s totally cringe-worthy. Even from your nearest and dearest.
Is this you:
“I’m sooo busy. I’ve got a stack of work I’ve got to get through. Then I’ve got all the stuff I’ve got to do for the kids. Then I need to help out a friend with x. And then the housework and tidying up – it’s 11 or 12 before I can get into bed. AND I never get any time to unwind at night because by the time I’ve done everything, I’m exhausted and it’s time to go to bed”.
Meanwhile, chances are your partner is sitting on the couch; watching some Netflix and has been relaxing for the last 3 hours by the time you finally call it quits. And then you decide you need to reply to some emails…
You feel resentful; p’d off; tired to your bones, and wishing (hoping!) that it would just get easier, as if by magic.
Argh. That’s a lot, right?
But here’s the thing (note: truth bomb is landing right about NOW):
- At some level you are creating this – do you relate to one or more of these?
- You enable your hubby to do jack
- You resist paying someone to do certain types of domestic work (clean; cook; iron)
- 54 different after school activities leave you running round after your kids to all different locations
- You coach the girls’ netball team.
- You tidy up after your kids instead of getting them to do it, because [insert excuse / reason here]
And this is just AFTER most people’s work days have ended. Running a business, well that triggers a whole other range of things, doesn’t it?
Being vulnerable enough to ask for help with:
- your social media presence and being visible as the face of your business
- getting a VA instead of trying to do it ALL
- finding a coach to help you with the hurdles in your money mindset or because you really just cannot say ‘no’, or because you feel like a fraud who’s going to get found out at any moment
I hate to break it to you but this is a world you have created.
At this point you might want to slap me. And I don’t blame you. I get it! You want to tell me about why it’s harder for you; how much is on your plate; how busy you are. About how I don’t get it.
But you see, I DO get it! That was me. And it still is sometimes (remember, human first, coach second).
In my own business at different stages it can be hard to ask for help when I feel like a goose with something I think I ‘should’ have nailed years ago [sigh].
And on the homefront when I sometimes tell my hubby he’s doing the washing ALL wrong (I mean he really is when the clothes are still inside out when he’s folded them, right?! 😉)
At some level (maybe DEEP down, like 10,000 leagues under the sea), you want it to be like this.
[Deafening roar from you right now telling me “KYLIE, I DO NOT!]
But hear me out. You actually do.
We don’t do any behaviour that we are not getting something out of – a cheeky perk; a kickback if you will, on our needs.
So maybe you meet your need for significance and feeling important by doing it all. Maybe you get to have a whinge to people about how busy you are and how much is on your plate – to get into the DRAMA of it all and why it’s hard for you, and this gives you sympathy; elaborate ways to justify staying the same; and possibly judge others who do ask for help, because in your mind it’s weak.
It also avoids you having to feel vulnerable and perhaps worst of all, show the world (or at least a few people) that you don’t have it all together [confronting].
There is absolutely NO reason why you need to do it ALL.
Beneath that, it’s highly likely that you have a feeling of not deserving to ask for or receive help; take a break; or have a rest. It’s not technically that you hate asking for help. It requires courage and vulnerability, which can feel tricky (yep, our friend Brene Brown is all over those – read more about that in the context of asking for help here).
You are highly likely to have very loose boundaries which means that people treat you in the way that you are allowing them to – which is maybe with disrespect or they just know you’ll tell them they did it wrong so they’ve given up.
Now please hear this – this is NOT your fault or because you are a bad person or anything else like that. It is just because this is what you’ve learned.
What to do about it?
You have a choice:
- To keep going and keep everything the same. But if you’re going to do that, you need to not whinge about it. Not talk about how much you do. Not give oxygen to the fact that you do EVERYTHING. You need to just get on and do it. I mean I was talking about how I’m so not a ‘techy person’ until the cows had already gone home, but then I made a decision to get specific experts to help me with these things and stop giving it life.
- OR you can choose a different option – you can choose to communicate with your partner or your staff or choose to outsource what you hate. You can embrace vulnerability [yeah I know, it’s not your fave] and get it done for the benefit of everyone.
And THEN you need to be prepared to release the control to a certain extent. It’s trial and error and it gets easier with practice.
“Awareness precedes choice and choice precedes change.”Robin Sharma
If you have never consciously realised that you are choosing this, then now you have awareness. With awareness comes choices. And then you make your choice. One choice is change.
Expect some pushback:
Just a heads-up – if you live with someone who is used to you doing everything, expect some pushback. (If you’d like to read more about that, check out this blog post I did).
It’s not easy because it requires you to change behaviours that have likely been in place a long time. And if you’re still trying to do it all in your biz, it’s likely this will feel extremely uncomfortable and like you’re going to lose control.
But it will allow you to create more time for yourself; have more energy; feel empowered instead of stuck with your situation; and you’ll move from a place of drama or being the victim, to taking responsibility for how you would like your life to be.
If you can’t shift from hating to ask for help, you will never receive it. Which will impact your home life, your business, and so much more.
If you need some help with how to do this, including meeting your own needs, creating supportive boundaries, and being able to confidently express what you want, then I can help.
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Kylie xTags: secondary gain